Recently, the most unconventional boys have been telling me that I'm attractive and they really like me. & I'll admit the first reason I'm turned off is because a. - they hardly know me. b. - they're not the most gorgeous guys ever.
I know that's harsh but I would be lying if I said looks don't matter.
In fact, some people would I find drop dead gorgeous my friends and others etc, would find ugly or revolting even. I mean I like guys who are a bit feminine, but i also adore manly men who can protect me. I mean, i'm also attracted to loads of comedians and am attracted to them purely because I love a man with a sense of humour. They don't have to be stunning to get my attention, Jimmy Carr, Tim Minchin, Noel Fielding, not conventionally good looking but I see them as older-brothers or father figures let's say. & a day out with them sounds immense.
I don't see myself as attractive. Or 'pretty' as they keep saying. It's just something I'm not. I've seen myself in the mirror enough times to come to the conclusion I'm just not good-looking. Yeah, I'm obsessed with beauty, make-up etc, but my insecurities could eat me alive if I wasn't so bothered about my appearance to look 'decent' or 'acceaptable.' People's opnions of me really matter when they really shouldn't. I've never been told at school, socially that I'm good-looking or been told by the opposite sex through msn, etc. that i am. So it proved my point and that's that way it's always been.
But these guys, the ones who are, let's say are the people who are the last people I'd think to go for me. And for some reason I'm just so unkeen and nasty to them. I feel so guilty while I'm spitting shit at them but I think it's a protection thing. I don't want it to be a joke or them to hurt me in a relationship, so I sort of make them back-off before anything can happen. & the more I tell them the f off, the more they persist in wanting to talk to me and 'like' me. and it annoys me to the point where I'm effin and blinding at them and they are swearing back at me desperately wanting me to like them.
I just don't want to. I don't have to like them, obviously. I could block them but it's too addictive in trying to make them stop and I want to see how far they'll go.
Jesus christ I'm a bitch.
I don't know what it is, but I oust them out, & I think it has to do with the fact that no boy has taken an interest in me whatsoever for a long long time and now they do I want some power to simply say 'no.' It's so strange and weird.
I went to a 'nappy night' at local nightclub De Niro's and it was fab, boys that were gorgeous and at the end of the night, some guy danced with me (it's the whole go up behind a girl put your hands on their waist and sway) I didn't dare turn around incase he tried to pull. But at the end after he let go, I turned and really wished I hadn't... he looked like a beige smurf... tall, buff, beige smurf, but a beige smurf none the less. But while we danced, it felt amazing. Like someone was protecting me and really cared.
I don't know, I'd much rather have a guy who is confident in being themselves and having that female side and can enjoy being with me and having a crazy time and then have guy who looks after me and treats me well and can act as a guardian angel and still have fun with me.
I'm just weird, and picky. & I have looong list of what I need from a man.
It takes a understanding guy, who can put up with some silly behaviour from time to time and who loves me for who I am. Not WHAT I am.
They say there's someone for everyone, but I need that person now more than ever... I don' really have time to wait any longer!
They need to be mine, and only mine. Trustworthy and beautiful sculptured from the heart x
) I think it's the insults and the remarks and the 'bullying' i guess I got beforehand that made me alter myself. But I only wear make-up as a statement. I don't do it to hide anything, I have nothing to hide, as you can see I'm a very honest and open person. 
