Ok, here goes nothing…
I have an urge to write about what I’ve been through in my life, and what I want to achieve in my life.
You’ve probably been put off now, as that sentence was incredibly boring and says nothing about the hyperactive and crazy feeling I have right now, jolting through my body. Basically, I want something in life, which only few people seem to get, but there seems to be so many of them making the media, I wonder.. Why not me?
I live for music. I am music. Singing, acting & comedy are my three favourite things in life. Singing is what makes me, me. Acting is what I do when I can’t express myself in any other way. Comedy is something special. It doesn’t just hit you one day and you realise, “Hey, I’m funny!” It’s something that you’re born with. It’s those little one-liners that send your friends into hysterics, and usually they weren’t intended to be funny at all.
All friendship groups, each have a status right? Like, the ’populars’. When you try to explain to people the status’s they often think you’re being a bit silly, calling other people ‘the populars’. But believe you me they are usually the big group of guys and girls, in the middle of the playground making fun of you, for no reason. I’ve been there. Pure ignorance, show-offs… There’s often only a few nice ones, but if they’re teamed up with the twats, then it’ll sting harder.
You know that great website called ‘YouTube’? Well, they found my account. Started to shout comments and quotes that I had made in my videos, and thought it’d be cool and hardcore in front of the others.
I didn’t mind if they watched them. I just wished they’d get over themselves.
I was called ‘YouTube Girl’ by one of the ‘populars’. Which I thought was a bit stupid. So what, I have a YouTube account? Big deal! It pissed me right off, and to top that, a girl who I had known since primary, we then got separated in middle, and then I got to know her again in my upper school, she started to make fun and whisper and jeer. I know it’s to look big and clever, but it hurts when someone you once knew, is hurting you for their self pride.
That’s why I turn to music. I love Christina Aguilera. She has a song for every emotion, and she inspires me to keep going. The song, ‘I’m Here To Stay’ is particularly moving, and deeply motivating. She is an amazing woman, and I aspire not only to have her incredible range, but to be on the same mind length in the way of thinking.
I suppose if you want something in life, and set your mind straight on it, I get a feeling that it won’t happen. I have to disappoint myself beforehand, then get the goods out of whatever I told myself wouldn’t be fun, exciting or whatever. For example, say if I was going to a Night club, and I had to think to myself, ‘Oh, it won’t be all that great tonight.’ I’d probably have a great night, as I didn’t make myself believe it was going to be spectacular. I’m not sure why I think like this, but I can’t help myself.
I know that paragraph of bewilderment could’ve possibly made no sense at all. But that’s why it’s called ‘Knowing Me.’ I’m not sure if I really do know myself yet…
In spite of everything that’s happened in my life, all the set backs and rejection, I still believe I can make it into the performing arts industry. Call me crazy, but I can’t see myself doing anything else. I couldn’t even begin to imagine sitting at a desk all day, answering phone calls, and sorting out paperwork. Yes, it needs to be done, but I want to prove to myself I’m more than just a dreamer. I’ve said many a time that I will stop at nothing to get where I want to be.. At the moment there’s nothing to stop me. I have no idea where to begin…
When I was around about two years old, my parents got a me an agency. I did various bits in T.V and what I can remember, I enjoyed every second of it.
One very clear memory, was when I was four or five years old. I was doing an ASDA advert, and I was very ill. I remember feeling so awful, and when we got to the studio, we had to get into layers of heavy clothes. We then had to stand under loads of bright lights. What did they have in store for me then? We had to dance. It was shown for eleven days and I was on for a split second. But I remember getting to keep the shoes they put me in. That was my first real taste of TV magic.
I also remember doing ‘The Bill’ when I was four. After every good take, they gave me a dairy milk bar. So now you know how they get kids to work!
I rarely speak about my past in acting. It’s something that I keep secret from almost everyone. When I was seven I quit my agency and moved to another one. After getting quite a few TV jobs over the four and a bit years I was with them, [such as an extra in Eastenders, Redcap, etc. I only had one speaking role over the years and I was ten. It was for a ‘Christian Azzola Show Reel’ I was in a comedy sketch with Liz Smith. On the day of filming I remember the atmosphere being so lovely, and I really felt at home. My parents weren’t there, which is why I find it weird I feel so comfortable on set. I’m the kind of person who gets homesick easily, but I really feel like I fit in. To be honest, I’m only truly myself around some of family, in front of my close friends and the camera [regardless whose with me]. When the lens is there I feel complete. It’s like something inside of me knows this is what I’m here for. I’m here to do this. To be a known face, to express myself in ways I can’t in front of those who think I’m not worth it. Well I’ve just got something to say;
Judge me, and I’ll prove you wrong,
Tell me what to do, and I’ll tell you off,
Say I’m not worth it and see where I end up,
Call me a bitch, and I’ll show you one,
Call me crazy? But you really have no idea.
The only way you ever know what you were put on the world for, is when you are truly happy with not only yourself, but what you’ve achieved.
At the moment I’m doubting whether I can go all the way, but of course, dreaming is permitted right?
I’d like to mention a particular TV programme called, ‘The Mighty Boosh.’ This is a comedy show you should of heard of by now. It delves into the minds of young and old to find the magic and wonderment that is still left inside you. To be fair, you have to have random humour and you have to be reasonably open-minded to get it. I guess you have to watch it a lot to fully understand. It’s not just about the odd and slightly crazy creatures and stories that it brings to life, I maybe wrong, but their basically expressing themselves through all the episodes, how to make life more child-like, magical and understandable. Probably wrong, but that’s how I grasp the concept of it. It gives me chills sometimes, because it makes me think about life. That seems to dull the nature of the far out-there part of the Boosh, but it really makes me think my future through.
I would love to hang around with all the cast and get to know them and what inspires them to make the show what it is. I have heard a lot of it’s improvised, but if that’s so, they must be something special.
I like being crazy, random, hyperactive and wild when it suits. At school, when I’m with my close mates, that’s exactly what I am. Most of the time. I can’t be like that in front of anyone else. Not even my own family. I don’t think it’s about being accepted, more of what they think of me. But then again, I don’t give a crap about what they think, which is why I’m a mystery to myself that I keep all that bottled inside, until I let it out all at once. I’d like to tell a few people where they stand and what I really think of them, but I wouldn’t want to deal with the constant rants thrown back at me.
Actually, I can get quite a mean streak now and again. Sometimes, I know this may seem weird, but I want to have an argument. Say things that I wouldn’t usually say, and people would never think of me the sort of person to say them.
People would say I’m generally a happy person, but they’ve seriously got that wrong. Yeah sure, I’ll smile to make myself happy. To kid myself this is where I want to be. I’ll make you laugh with my random, cheeky outbursts but nothing can compare to what I truly feel inside.
On one occasion I’ve said only to my mum, that I don’t want to go to school, it’s not what I’m here for, I want to be a performer.
She replied with the old favourite, ‘You have to go to school to get where you want to be.’
Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
One day I might be singing my heart out, or acting my ‘usual’ crazy self or coming out with hilarious speeches, and someone stops me in my tracks.
‘Hey, you’ve got talent, you could make it big.’ What a way to start your career that would be.
That is how I keep dreaming my life will turn around.
But on a serious note, who am I kidding? That’s something that happens in your wildest dreams. Like I said, dreaming is permitted, but for just once, I wish they could turn out to be reality. If it only happens to one in a million people, why can’t that one person be me? Why not me? Am I not pretty enough? Not up-my-own-arse enough?
Everybody wants a certain someone, but maybe one person, can be everything and more. Nobody can see past the fakeness of some people these days.
Don’t you want someone who people can relate to? Not some I’ve-been-tangoed-thin-big-boobed-beauty-queen.
I see very few ‘real’ people in the media today, I have so much respect for people such as, ‘Lily Allen’. She’s one of the most relatable and confident with herself person I’ve seen. She knows who she is, and is comfortable being herself.
Now I want to bring up someone who not only makes me laugh, but inspires me to come out in myself. Russell Brand. Now, here’s someone who’s been through… a hell of a lot. But is still ‘himself’ throughout.
In all honesty I would like to think of myself as: confident, happy, funny, friendly, approachable, independent, considerate, understanding and open-minded.
Well I would like to think I’m almost there. I want people to think of me as someone they go to for support, someone who can cheer them up. All you want in life is to be accepted no matter who you are.
But everyone always wants someone other than you. You can never be perfection, but someone people seem to think they can be with all the money and fame. Now, it’s true, money makes the world go round. But I wish people would see that only happiness, love and health is worth fighting for. Why do we have to pay to make someone else happy? If I found the perfect partner, I wouldn’t need a big white wedding, or presents or anything that costs. All I would want is to be held until I know I’m then loved. That’s all I would want and need. Just to know I’ve been accepted by someone who loves me for me, who respects me as the person I am.
Yes, it’s true. I would love to be famous. I’m not going to shy away from my pictures being printed. Sound vain? Maybe, but if you get recognized you can go anywhere with knowing there will always be opportunities for you.
I would kill to get noticed. That’s the truth. Do I sound hypocritical? Let me explain… I would never abuse my fame if I ever got it. I would use it to all my advantages. I would use it to help other people as well, as long as I could trust them. But the truth is, it has been what I’ve wanted my whole life. Even from an early age, performing was definitely my path for life. At one point, I had my jobs in life planned out if all else failed. I was to be a singer, if not that an actress, if not that, a writer, if not that, I’d work with children, if not that, I’d breed Bengal Tigers. And if all that didn’t work out, I’d be a stay-at-home-mum.
But until about two years ago, I realized that those things just aren’t good enough, and I can’t imagine myself getting somewhere, then failing to meet the standards to keep a hold of what I’d finally got.
I’m starting to get quite deep now, I was intending to keep this quite light-hearted but I’ve failed miserably at this certain point.
This is supposed to be about my urge for a career in the performing arts industry, and up to a point, it has been, but I’ve got a feeling that I don’t think it’s ever going to just hit me. I want to get noticed now. Not in a year, not in a decade, not another century [Doubt I’ll still be around, but you know what I mean. Exaggeration can lead to death. Metaphorically.] Now. Right this bloody second, I would like a phone call or someone to knock at my door, or an email, telling me they know what I’m capable of, and that indeed I can now start my career.
I’m jealous [not a good way to start a sentence I know.] of so many young stars, but I realise very few of them are in the U.K and I would like to be one of them to set the record straight, that regardless your age, if you’ve got talent, you can have it all. These days, the only ways to get noticed is go on programmes such as, ‘The X Factor’ or ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. All these reality shows make it look like they just turn up and hey presto they are now famous. I wish for once they could see the real struggle and the lengths people go to, to get where they want to be.
Often, I question myself why I’ve set my heart so strongly on getting to a place full of exposure and a kind of ‘omniscient’ world. I rather like the idea of being interviewed and being asked questions about my life or about a film I’ve made or my new debut single. I sound a bit self-confident at this stage, and would like to point out that for years I’ve never been this brave to write what I really think or feel. I’m extremely self-conscious, which I really shouldn’t be. Which is why I go to great lengths with what I look like and have to be passable to even go out for a little trip down Tesco’s.
Anyways, it would be amazing if people were interested in what I had to say. What I thought about this, how I think that should be. If people wanted to know about my life and how I go about things, that’s part of my life completed.
People think it’s very cliché, when people who win mahusive competitions say, ’It was so surreal and amazing it’s just a dream come true.’ That’s what they feel, if that’s what they’ve always wanted, and there’s that moment between you and some other person, you have that doubt inside you that thinks you’re not going to get there, after all you went through, you might now make it, but if and when you do, it probably is the most amazing and dream-like feeling in the world.
Everyone’s done something they regret right? After every audition I’ve been to, it’s more often than not, you don’t get the part. It’s unusual to say there’s been more times you’ve got the part than you haven’t, unless you some type of manipulating voodoo witch. Whatever it was for, there’s always that regret of not trying your best or not performing to your greatest potential. And for those who always get the role, and that one time they didn’t, it’s probably more devastating as they’re so used to getting what they want. I’ve learnt to brush it off, and tell myself I was just having an off day, and there’s always next time. It’s true, there’s always next time. But I don’t know when my ’next’ time is. There’s been nothing for me lately, apart from an Anne Frank audition with the local acting theatre I’m with, but I highly doubt anything is going to become of it.
I’ve probably bored you half to death but I’m still writing away, which is strange, as I haven’t had the drive to write this much in a long while.
I’m coming to an end of the rants and raves about life and where I want to end up and what I want to achieve.
At my funeral, (which I sincerely hope is not until at least my first name is known throughout the land) I want two songs to be played. On the way in I would want ‘Beautiful’ By Christina Aguilera. And on the way out, ‘Wonderful World’ By James Morrison. That’s probably going to change, but those are the two if my uncertain death were to happen sooner that I thought.
If I ever get what I need, not what I want, I don’t just want this, I need this. I would never stop smiling. I would be the happiest person in the world. I would make sure I get every good thing out of it, and I wouldn’t stop until I felt I had done my job. Life’s what you make it. I’m going to make damn well sure I make it the best one I can.
In this universe, there is only room for one Rosmy Cesaro.
Sequel? I do hope so. x
